You keep punishing yourself because mercy feels too easy for what happened. Pain appears more honest, as though continued suffering proves that you finally understand the seriousness of the wrong.
The cross already tells the truth about sin's seriousness. Refusing mercy does not improve Christ's sacrifice. Come to the throne, receive forgiveness, and let grace lead you into repair rather than endless self-attack.
I do not have to keep punishing myself. I receive mercy, make honest repair, and let grace lead me forward.
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